For this past week's column, we caught up with Brandy Reeves and Erin Lapham, health educators, and Marcey Goldstein, consultant, with Pure Romance, an in-home sex toy party company. Here is the complete text of what they shared with us. Be sure to read the column, "Selling It," too.
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What led you to get involved with Pure Romance?
Marcey: I saw an ad on TV for Pure Romance, and decided it would be fun to have a party. At my party, I watched the consultant, who was new and quite nervous, and thought, "I can do that!" Then, about two months later, I was talking to a friend who was the manager of the local adult bookstore. She told me that many of her female customers had heard about in-home sex toy parties, and that there was a real need for them in our area. I was unemployed at the time, and I talked to my husband about becoming a consultant. He thought I would be great at it, and offered to skip our annual anniversary weekend getaway and use the money for me to buy my kit.
My next step was to investigate which company I wanted to join. I went online and Googled "in-home sex toy parties". There were about 24 entries, but most of them seemed local to a particular region. There were two that were nationwide, one of which was Pure Romance. I contacted each of them to find out more. After listening to what each of the two representatives who called had to say, I decided Pure Romance was the better of the two. I chose Pure Romance because the representative from Pure Romance talked about all the wonderful products they had and about helping women, rather than just about selling and recruiting.
- Do home parties for sex toys & aids educate people about sex? How?
Brandy & Erin: Pure Romance teaches individuals about their bodies and opens the doors of communication. Many women find it difficult to talk about sexuality with their doctors, families or partners. Pure Romance gives them the opportunity to break down those barriers by reassuring women that it is okay to talk about their sexuality and their sexual health, to explore their bodies and to not be embarrassed or ashamed. Pure Romance provides individuals the opportunity to learn about the biology of sexuality, as well as how to tackle controversial issues. Information about human sexuality is not designed to impose values on individuals or teach them how to have sex, but to give them the knowledge and information they need to make their own informed choices. We are a business committed to educating our society about their sexual health, and enhancing their overall quality of life.
Marcey: During my shows, I talk about more than how and why the products work. I also talk about the physiology of the female and male genitalia and about how the products can be used to enhance intimate relationships, both with a partner and alone.
- What is a party generally like? What happens at them?
Marcey: As a consultant, I do what I can to make the party fun. I start out by playing a couple of games to loosen up the guests. They are not your "Typical Tupperware Games" - they are a bit racier. I give out prizes to the winners, plus gifts to anyone who brings a guest who was not invited by the hostess. After the games, I demonstrate the creams and lotions, and the women get to try them on their hands and arms. They use their left hands for lickable lotions and their right hands for sniffable lotions. I tell them it is ok to sniff their lickers, but they cannot lick their sniffers. Then I bring out the toys and explain how and why each type is used. I pass around the toys for the women to feel - in their hands only, please! As you can see, I inject humor into all that I say, still remaining professional in my presentation. During the demo, I ask that the hostess only serves beverages.
After the demonstration, the hostess serves snacks or food while everyone enjoys the unstructured part of the party. During this time, I have the women come one at a time into a private ordering room (bedroom, office, den, whatever works for the hostess) where I have my "store". Each one shops privately, and she gets to take her products home with her that night.
The hostess is the last to order because she gets 10% of all sales as credit towards her purchase. For example, if I sell $700 worth of products to the guests, the hostess gets $70 off her order. Plus, there are extra gifts and products she gets depending on how high the total sales are.
- What are some common questions of party-goers?
Brandy & Erin: We often get questions about orgasm (how to orgasm, inability to orgasm), communication issues, premature ejaculation (men), erectile dysfunction, vaginal dryness, low libido, and pain during penetration and intercourse.
Marcey: During the demonstration, the questions usually center on me - do I use the products, what is my favorite toy, etc. I answer in very general terms because I want them to think about their own sex life - not mine. They often ask if the products really work or, "Will he really like that?" The more personal questions are usually asked during the private ordering. This is where I feel I am really helping women, as they ask questions that pertain to their own situation. A woman may ask what products to use if her husband has difficulty getting or maintaining an erection, or has trouble achieving an orgasm. A woman may tell me she has never had an orgasm and wants to know how to go about having one. Women ask about allergens in the products, or what to use if they are very sensitive or prone to urinary tract infections.
- So, Pure Romance sells products. What can sex toys or lubes or other aids provide to someone's sex life? Do they need them for a good sex life?
Brandy & Erin: Pure Romance does not teach people to have sex, but to make good choices that are best for them regarding their intimate lives. There are many intimacy enhancing products available and we want to help people choose the product that is going to be best for them. Just as it takes some people a few tries to figure out what type of shampoo is right for them, it may take people a few tries to figure out the right intimacy enhancing product. We try to educate all people about the various products available, allowing them to choose for themselves what they think will work best for them.
Marcey: I feel sex toys can add an extra dimension to sex. I do not think they should be used every time a couple has sex, but can be used occasionally to add a little sparkle to what may have become routine. Sometimes sex toys are used to help a woman achieve an orgasm in a way she could not before. For example, studies show that four out of five women need direct clitoral stimulation to achieve an orgasm - intercourse alone may feel good, but does not provide enough stimulation where she needs it. By using a vibrator on her clitoris during intercourse she can have an orgasm, and that orgasm will feel better because her vagina is actually gripping something (a penis or toy) with each muscle contraction - plus, it feels better to him when she orgasms with his penis inside of her.
Another example is our arousal creams Ex-T-Cee, Nympho Niagra and XScream. Sometimes they are used to add a little (or a lot) of extra stimulation when a woman is already turned on, but more often they are used to help a woman get turned on when she is having trouble doing so, either because she is tired but still wants to be intimate, or because her sex drive is very low, either naturally or because of some physical cause such as being on antidepressants. These creams can make the difference between so-so sex and extremely pleasurable sex.
- Pure Romance has a strong focus on sexuality for cancer survivors. Why do you feel it is important to provide this information for individuals surviving cancer?
Brandy & Erin: The mission of the Sensuality, Sexuality, Survival program is to help women recapture their sensual and sexual selves through education, empowerment, and safe product offerings designed specifically for women following cancer diagnosis and treatment. Research has shown that this population of women struggles with the sexual side effects of cancer diagnosis and treatment. The side effects tend to be greater than some other diseases, as cancer treatment can cause premature menopause and can have many other effects on a woman's body. We are trying to educate a group of women that desperately needs and wants to feel good about their bodies again.
Marcey: When a woman has had cancer, many parts of her life are changed, and her sensuality and sexuality may also change. If she had breast cancer and has had all or part of a breast removed, she might not feel as desirable as she had before. If she had ovarian cancer, she may no longer produce the hormones necessary to feel sexually aroused. The cancer may not have killed her, but the cure may kill an important part of her life - her sexuality - and we would like to help that part of her come back to life.
- What is the phenomenon of "sex parties" where a hostess sells sex toys to female guests all about? Why do you think that these have been marketed primarily to women?
Brandy & Erin: Pure Romance parties are a platform that gives women an opportunity to talk about and learn about their bodies and their sexuality. They empower women to discuss in a safe environment where they feel comfortable to ask their most personal questions. There are not many opportunities where women feel completely at east asking questions and learning about their bodies; we have found over the years that many women do not feel comfortable asking their health care providers about some of their issues and experiences. Having a mixed gender environment may not allow women the chance to learn and have fun in a completely relaxed manner.
Marcey: In-home parties are an alternative to buying sex toys in a retail store, through a catalog or online. For men, these are acceptable ways of buying toys because they see them as a tool to get a job done, whereas for most women they are part of a relationship - either with a partner or themselves - so they want to learn how to integrate it into that relationship. Also, women are more apt to worry about someone seeing them go into what is viewed as a sleazy store or having to deal with the other clientele at those stores. Furthermore, at parties where they are with their friends, the peer atmosphere gives many women the message that it is okay to use sexual aids.
- In our culture, it is difficult to understand our sexuality on our own terms, without feeling pressured to fit another person's idea of how we should be sexually. Do you think that your parties create a space where women can decide what they like for themselves, or does it run the risk of creating another standard for what it means to be sexual in the "right" ways?
Brandy & Erin: Based on the diversity of our product line, we are trying to meet the needs of all women. Not all women are interested in all types of toys or in all types of experiences. Whether it is massage, bondage, or anal play, there is probably a product in the Pure Romance line that is right for all women. We offer a wide spectrum of products that women can select that will fit into their comfort zone and that will be best for them.
During a Pure Romance party, the Consultant takes all orders in a private room, where she is also available to answer questions. This helps takes away the pressures of feeling like you have to order the same thing as everyone else.
Marcey: I think a lot of it depends on what the consultant says and how she presents the information. For example, in general people think that women do not like to perform oral sex on a man, and there are many jokes going around that support that idea. I used to demonstrate certain products so women would have an alternative to performing oral sex, but I have recently changed that up and I now talk about the products as enhancements for those who enjoy this practice. I even ask, "How many of you actually enjoy giving oral sex to your man?" and at least a third to a half of those present raise their hands. At first only one or two do, but as the other women see those hands go up, they raise their hands, also. I feel this sends the message that it is okay to like something you are "not supposed" to like.
- How do you educate your sales representatives? Are they sex educators? Why or why not?
Brandy & Erin: In the kit all Consultants receive when they first join Pure Romance, they are given training materials for how to book a party, how to run a party, and also a sexual health DVD, written by a sexuality expert out of Indiana University and the Kinsey Institute, Dr. Debby Herbenick. We offer quarterly and on-line trainings on all areas of their business, as well as Annual Training and our National Convention.
We have conducted research over the years that has shown that women ask their Consultants questions that they do not feel comfortable asking their health care providers. The study included responses from both Pure Romance Consultants and women that attend Pure Romance parties, and both groups of women reiterated this same point: that Pure Romance Consultants educate women on all areas of sexual health and sexuality.
Within Pure Romance, we have a Health Education Department that supports our Consultants in their endeavor to educate women. By providing them with the education and resources they need, we are essentially training lay health advisors to provide women with the information they need to impact their sexual health. If it were not for the Pure Romance Consultants, we would not be able to educate as many women as we do.
- What is the best part about working for Pure Romance?
Marcey: I love to be "on stage", laughing and joking with the audience as I demonstrate the products. It is a really fun job, and a fun way to make money. I also like helping women enhance their sex lives. What makes working as a Pure Romance consultant rather than with another company so good is that our founder, Patty Brisben, really cares about women - both as customers and as consultants. Her caring about women shows in her dedication to making products available that are high quality at reasonable prices, and her donating a portion of the company's profits to the Patty Brisben Foundation, which gives out monetary grants for research on women's sexual health.
Her caring about women as consultants shows in all the support and training we get from the company, the opportunities for free products, trips and other prizes, and the many ways we can increase our profits through our own hard work and dedication.
- If you could tell everyone one thing about sex, what would it be?
Brandy & Erin: If we had to pick just one thing (which is incredibly difficult to do when the topic is sex!), it would be to stress to everyone that we are all unique; everyone has different opinions and experiences when it comes to sexuality and intimacy. The most important thing is to find what feels good and is right for them. We define for ourselves what is "normal" and that is key to having a fulfilling intimate life. (I'm not sure about this underlined part.)
Marcey: You do not have to measure your sex life against anyone else's sex life - this is not a contest to see who can have the most sex in a week or the most orgasms. On the other hand, there is nothing wrong with doing what you can to make your own sex life better.
